Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Great Do-Over

Take a minute and think about one of life's great questions: If you could do one thing over, what would it be? Would it be a decision you made about a job, a house, a child, or a conversation about marriage or divorce? Would it be a day, or merely an instant in time? Over the past week, I've pondered this question over and over and for some reason mapped out the trajectory my life would have taken if I had done just one big thing differently ... where I'd be living today; what job I'd be working; how many kids I would've had; and the list goes on and on. The fact of the matter is that I love my life as it is now, so I wouldn't necessarily change its trajectory, but I would "do-over" an instant in time that occurred last week, but changed my life dramatically.
Last Monday was a regular day for me, in and out of the house, going back and forth between my writing/editing work and my house/farm work. Around 1:00 I decided to go outside and spray paint a silly fixture for our kitchen, so I let my two little dogs out. As I did my painting I looked over to the west and saw my Cairn Terrier, Pearl, gazing up at me, watching. Next I heard the mail man's SUV pull up. I called after Pearl, but she wasn't around. I called and called but she didn't come. I looked out at the road and saw the mail man pulling away and then I heard that sound. You know what sound I'm talking about. Can't even write it because I sob when I think about it.
Pearl was the great dog love of my life and she'll never be forgotten. If I could do one instant over, it would be that instead of going back to my work when I glanced over and saw her sitting there, I would have gone over and scooped her up, looked into her coal eyes, and told her how cute she was, just like I did practically every hour of every day, as crazy as that makes me sound.
Thank you to our friend, Matt Stallbaumer, for the beautiful painting of Pearl shown here, which he did in just a few days. It will hang proudly and prominently at home and will always remind me of her, and to love often and freely, even if it makes us incredibly vulnerable to pain.     
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13 comments:

  1. Heritage Hill HomesteadMarch 15, 2011 at 9:46 AM

    Oh, I am so sorry!! It is so very hard to lose our furry friends. I know exactly what you mean about wishing for a do-over like that! I have learned many times the hard way that if I think I really should do something...pick up something one of the animals could get hurt on or move something that could cause them a problem of some kind....I had better do it right then. God is giving me that insight at that time, and when I have chosen not to do it right then, something almost always happens and I know I could have prevented it if I had listened.
    Such a great picture you have to remember always.

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  2. City Girl to Country GirlMarch 15, 2011 at 10:06 AM

    So sorry for your loss. :-(

    I've never had a pet myself, but I understand and have seen how an animal can bring so much joy and companionship to their owner's life. I've seen friends go through what you are going through now. They truly DO become part of the family, don't they? :-) Glad you have that wonderful drawing to remind you of Pearl.

    City Girl to Country Girl

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  3. Karen KebMarch 15, 2011 at 11:23 AM

    I love what my girlfriend, Sarah, said to me about losing her lifelong, love-of-her-life horse ... "The best advice I ever received through it all was written by my tough-as-toenails trainer on a small scrap of paper:
    You will love again."
    Thank you for your heartfelt comments.

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  4. Amy L.March 15, 2011 at 11:40 AM

    Oh, Karen, I am so sorry. Hugs to you and Hank... :*(

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  5. UnknownMarch 15, 2011 at 1:39 PM

    I hope each day that passes makes the loss a little easier to live with, I know the pain of this kind of loss, she will be with you always. and your trainer is right, if your heart is open you will certainly love again.

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  6. linda koetitzMarch 15, 2011 at 8:21 PM

    I am so very sorry. I love what your friend says, "you will love again". Simple, comforting words. I had something similar happen to me years ago, I know how much it hurts! And how it can play over in your head, and how you wish you had done one thing different. But you couldn't have known so please don't blame yourself. Hope you are feeling better soon Karen.

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  7. Karri BruskotterMarch 15, 2011 at 9:29 PM

    You will always think of Pearl fondly, and one day, you will think of her without pain and you will finally forgive yourself. I have been in your shoes.

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  8. Carol J. AlexanderMarch 17, 2011 at 11:43 AM

    My heart goes out to you, Karen. We lost our old farm collie last fall and he is still greatly missed. We recently purchased a little lap dog but the puppy in no way replaces our dear Kuon.

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  9. Laura HathawayMarch 20, 2011 at 7:47 PM

    Karen, I'm sitting here on a rainy sunday and saw your face on my fb page so thought I'd venture over to see what you'd been up to. I had not heard of your very sad news and my heart truly hurts for you right now. I know what you mean by your once in a lifetime dog, it's hard to put your finger on what makes some pets kindred to you, they all love us unconditionally, yet some connect with us in ways that transcend our understanding. I had that with my lab Blake, we've had several dogs since, and they all are lovely and sweet and I do love them, but it's not the same. He was different. I do believe you love again, it is true. What I believe even more so is that it is a true gift to share an experience, feeling, emotion, whatever you want to call it, with a creature, whether animal or human that transcends words, it just is perfect without ever having to try. How special that you had that with her, how tragic it was cut all too short. I truly weep for you now knowing your sadness in this loss. You will be in my prayers as your heart mends. Remember she was looking up at you because she knew she was loved, she knew just as you know! You gave her a good life of love and companionship. I love you and again, am so sorry for your loss.

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  10. AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 10:23 PM

    Just checking in to see what you were up to and saw your post, Karen. So sorry to hear about your sweet girl. She looked beautiful and I love that she converted you to a dog person. Your post about the painting actually reminded me of something I've been meaning to tell you for years: my favorite photo of my Desi is the one you took of her and which I included in Working Dogs. I look at it often when I'm thinking about her. I remember when my dad saw that photo, he said it was like looking into Desi's soul.
    All my best,

    Kristin

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  11. --KCApril 19, 2011 at 10:22 PM

    Oh, honey. I am so very sorry. I was caught up in my own stuff and didn't hear this news. I know how much you loved her and how special she was. What a total heartbreak.

    Sending you much love and sympathy.

    --KC

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  12. Heather DuncanApril 20, 2011 at 2:34 AM

    I literally gasped when I read your blog. You seem so far away to reach out to but know I am thinking of you and miss you very much. I am so sorry for what you must be going through. I wish I had any words to make you feel any better but I am sure not much helps right now. One thing I do know is we need to keep in touch more often! Love you and am thinking of you!

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  13. BrendaAugust 25, 2011 at 1:25 AM

    I don't know you but hurt with you as i read your blog about your sweet little dog, Pearl...it reminded me of how loving leaves us vulnerable to pain, but what we would lose if we didn't choose to love?! hugging you and honoring the memories of Pearl~

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